Last Friday, 4/9/10, I got a phone call from my sister Marilyn a little before 3:00 PM. She starts to cry the minute I answer. As I am trying to discern what she is saying the word cancer comes through loud and clear. Trying to remain calm I head for the bathroom while talking to her. I get off the phone and rush into the men's room where I break down.
I am covering my mouth because the room is so reverberant that my sobs are even loud to me. I know everyone can hear me and it embarrasses me tremendously, but I cannot control my body. I sat in one of the stalls trying to stop my tears and the noises that are coming out of me involuntarily. I called Carlos to tell him and got his voice-mail, which made me feel even more alone than I already was. I do not understand the point of having a cellphone if you are not going to answer it. Carlos was just out of reach of his phone and I knew that, but my emotions were not mine to control.
After a bit I think I have it under control enough to get out of the office. I hurry back to my office and cram my things in my backpack. I start heading for the door and Yaiseth is standing in the hallway. She calls herself my work bff, but I call her my friend outside of work too. She is concerned. She asks me what is wrong just as Carlos calls me back. I answer and tell him to hold on, thinking I can simply answer her and be done with it, but I start to cry.
I start sobbing again as I tell her my dad has cancer. She put her arms around me and it felt so good to be held by someone that truly cared about me. After a minute I lifted my head and told her I had to leave. She told me not to worry about it. As I headed toward the elevators I start telling Carlos. I was trying to hold it together, but he couldn't understand me. As I pass Naomi I blurt out: "My dad has cancer." Naomi is about to cry as I pass her and I cannot stop to say anything. I just had to leave.
Carlos wants to come get me, or meet me at the train, or something. I told him no. I said I just had to walk. I would call him when I was ready to come home. I got off the phone and left the building.
I just started walking, not knowing where I was going. I walked the streets of Manhattan with tears running down my face and I didn't care. The foundation is on Park Avenue and I ended up on 5th. It was at that time that I realized I had to go to Central Park.
I walked in the entrance just above 59th Street and started looking at the flowers and the pond. I was able to distract myself by focusing on the beauty of the Narcissus or a little Shredded Maple. My sister Shirley called and let me know that she loves me. She also offered to pay for my flight home. I thanked her for the offer and told her that with the short notice I thought I should use my frequent flyer miles instead. Then Carolyn calls, as if my father's health is going to change our relationship. She is crying and telling me she was afraid to call, but she wants me to know she loves me. (She doesn't want me to have the same rights as her, but she loves me.) I thanked her and told her I love her too. (I did not tell her that I still do not want to be part of her life. I was trying to be kind.) Doris had not called me yet and that worried me. Doris actually lives near dad.
I decide to call my dad. He sounds amazing, better than he has sounded in weeks. He told me he thought the doctor had made a mistake. "It's not my time to go yet," he says. He said the doctor gave him this prognosis from a ct scan that he was only in for 15 seconds. The pain was too great and they had to stop. He had done a second ct scan that the doctor did not know about. This convinced me that the prognosis could be wrong. I told my dad I would wait until we got the results from the full scan before I made any decisions about what I was going to do. I was already planning to come home for my birthday anyway. (I am buying a house in NJ and my dad was coming up to help me fix it up. I was going to fly home and we were going to drive back.)
I realized that I really want Carlos to be with me, so I called him. I asked him if he would mind meeting me in Central Park. He said he would love to. I continued to look at the beauty of the park while I wait. When I met him he had brought me a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. I didn't realize I wanted one, but it really made me feel good. He held my hand as I showed him some of the things I had been looking at, and then we went to have dinner. I wasn't really hungry, but food seemed like a good idea.
Afterward we went home.
I had told Carlos a few days before that I was really worried my dad was going to die. He had been sick repeatedly lately and it was on my mind a lot. I was already making alternate plans for him helping me with the house. I really wanted him to be part of it. I have helped him on some of the houses he has built and he loved it. He showed the pictures to everyone. I also thought it would be really nice to have him leave part of himself in my home long after he was gone. On the way home I told Carlos that if the doctor was wrong that maybe my dad could come and at least be present.
We got home, watched a little tv and went to bed.
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