Numbness

So, my dad calls me yesterday and says that his doctor came over to his house and told him he has "stage 4 cancer."  I know it is odd that the doctor came to his house, but the guy really likes my dad and it is the South.  What was really strange is that my dad told me this information like he was telling me about a type of car he has.  He was really clear and very strong.  He told me about a website I could go to and learn about it.

Then today I talk with him and he said he was going to go to church, but he was in so much pain when he went to shave that he just couldn't do it.  He had been sleeping most of the day.  I told him I was going to get my friends to make him some pot brownies.  He laughed and said he couldn't do that.  I asked him why not and he said: "Well, your sisters are here."  I said: "I won't tell.  And, I'll tell them I only brought them for you."  He just laughed.

Carlos, Libby and I had breakfast with his parents.  They are the kindest, gentlest people.  I really adore them.  His dad, Ben, said he was really sorry to hear about my father.  He said he was disappointed because he really wanted to meet him too.  It brought a little tear to my eye that I quickly shoved back down.  I find myself repeatedly saying "I'm fine." when someone asks me how I am.  I'm not fine.  I'm numb.  I think it is just an ingrained response.  I have rarely told anyone when I was in pain.  Why do I do that?

Carlos and I talked later and he said he was really sad.  He realized after breakfast that he will one day lose his parents and he does not have the relationship with them that I have with my father.  I told him he could change his relationship with his parents.  I did with mine.  You just have to open up your life to them.

My father is my best friend.  He knows me as an adult.  Anyone that hears our conversations can always tell.  I love him.  This is one of my favorite pictures of him.